Monday, March 26, 2012

More Than This

He loves him, but he’s not loved in return. He watches them together, and it slowly kills him. 

More Than This

The blankets surround me, like a haven from the frozen world outside, with stone cold hearts that seem to pass me by, forgetting to feel. Why am I the only one? No one else seems to be able to feel like I can, smiling and laughing and going on their merry way without feeling the burning ache in their chests that serves as a constant reminder of my humanity. I can smile too, do you see it? Do you see the cracks in my shakily built walls? Do you notices how each time you enter the room my heart tears, do you hear it breaking?

I’m broken,

Do you hear me?

I roll over, squeezing my eyes shut and pulling the covers further over my head, blocking out the light that is streaming through my window. Your image floods my mind. I squeeze my eyes shut tighter. Sparks fly behind my lids, and a throbbing stars to pound in my temple, but I can still picture your face as if you are right in front of me. Your brown eyes, how they scrunch up when you smile and get wrinkles on the corners, that’s my favourite. 

I try to picture something else, the other guys in the band, but it just changes into you everytime. Harry’s dark curls morph into your lighter ones; Niall’s thin mouth turning into the plump, pink lips that stretch into a stunning smile whenever someone makes you laugh your rumbling laugh; Zayn’s chest hardens and shifts into the firm muscles that sit beneath your smooth skin. Nothing else in the world can exist while you do.

I’m blinded,

Because you are everything I see.

I somehow find the strength to force the cover off of me and sit up, swinging my feet over the edge of the bed, empty except for my own small, cold form. I stare at it, my lips blue and my skin frozen.

It should feel stranger than it does to look down at my own nearly lifeless body, but it doesn’t. It’s like it did before, empty and lonely. 

I’m dancin’,

Alone.

Maybe it’s too late now, to pray for you to love me instead of her, maybe it’s selfish now that I’m almost gone, but I can’t help it. A part of me wants you to suffer like I did for love.

I’m prayin’,

Your heart will just turn around.

I’m not sure the rules for people like me, people in this weird state of limbo between life and death. I’m not sure at first how far I am allowed to stray from my physical body, but your room is just across the hall, so I try.

And as I walk up to your door

My eye turns to face the floor

Cause I can’t look you in the eyes and say

I can see you together, as I emerge through the door. Her smile is bright and loving, and it pains me to see you return it. It’s awkward, watching you two hold each other while you think you’re alone. She doesn’t fit right in your arms, not like I did. She has too much hair, curling around her head, getting everywhere. Why do you like it when she wears it down? Why do you run your fingers through it instead of mine? 

Her arms circle your neck and she smiles at you sweetly, it makes me want to throw up. It’s awkward and wrong and there is too much breast and too little waist. Too much hair and not enough bicep. It’s all wrong. She doesn’t love you like I do. She doesn’t love you so much she would die for you. There is no way to love you more than I do, so why don’t you love me back?

When she opens his arms

And holds you close tonight

It just won’t feel right

Cause I can’t love you more than this, yeah

I cringe as she pushes you down against the hotel bed, I feel my soul flickering in and out of limbo, I’m slipping away, but you don’t even notice. You don’t even notice how much I gave up for your happiness. 

Her hands run under your shirt and up your chest, caressing your tanned skin where mine should be. She presses kisses to your jaw, where I should. Everything she does to you is wrong. 

When she lays you down, I’m might just die inside

It just don’t feel right

Cause I can’t love you more than this

Can’t love you more than this

I feel like screaming. Would you hear my dying soul, watching you love her, slowly fading from the physical world? Would you look up from the bed to the space by the door where I stand, face wet with phantom tears? 

My mouth opens and I let out a dying sob, my lungs screaming for you, but you don’t even flinch. I scream louder, the sound bouncing in my head, tearing me from the inside out. If you hear me, will you know? Will you know to run across the room to my dying shell, to call for help, to pump my stomach of the bottle of sleeping pills I had just swallowed?

If I’m louder

Would you see me?

Would you lay down in my arms and rescue me?

You did last time. You saved me and made me fall further in love with you. You told me of your past and your problems and how I needed to stay alive for you. I did, as long as I could I fought to live for you, but the you found her, and you didn’t need me anymore. You left me to die.

Cause we are, the same

You saved me, when you leave it scarred again

The fans love you with her. They call her perfect and beautiful and want you to get married and have children, but everytime you hold her I fall, slipping away into nothing. I was dying before tonight, I was nearly dead already. How am I even lingering here now? My soul isn’t strong, you’ve cut it to pieces with your laughter and your comfort. Every time Daddy Direction came to save the day, he left again. Back to your beautiful girlfriend you went, crushing me beneath the hypothetical shoe of your disgustingly perfect love.

And then I see you on the street

In her arms, I get weak

My body feels I’m on my knees

Praying

You’re naked on the bed in front of me, and I am dying in the next room over. She kisses you, her smooth, feminine skin sliding against yours. I curse, screaming at the top of my lungs. 

When she opens his arms

And holds you close tonight

It just won’t feel right

Cause I can’t love you more than this, yeah

When she lays you down, I’m might just die inside

It just don’t feel right

Cause I can’t love you more than this

I never told you how I feel. I never mentioned how my heart would skip when you entered the room, how my life had started to revolve around you. It was sick, how much you controlled it. All those times I misbehaved, saying inappropriate things during interviews, pulling pranks on the other boys, it was all for you. It was all for a chance to see you look at me with your brown eyes, speaking to me without words. It was all for that inevitable lecture later on when we could be together and you would rest your hand on my knee or my shoulder and look me straight in the eye. I lived for the moments you were angry with me, because it was at me and only me.

The last argument we had, you were so angry. The last arguement we had led to this. I wanted to tell you, I wanted to ask you for help because my life was slowly spinning out of control. I didn’t know how to tell you. You told me you couldn’t help me all the time, I was the oldest, I needed to learn to take care of myself.

She was there. That was the difference this time. I could see her sitting on the hotel bed behind you, and I could see her looking at her nails as though she couldn’t hear what we were saying two meters away. It wasn’t about me this time, it didn’t feel the same. Your attention was on her behind her. So I left, without telling you.

I’ve never had the words to say

But now I need you. I need you to go across the hall and shove your hand down my throat. I need you to make my stomach retch up all those fucking pills that are slowly dragging me away from you. 

Or better yet, I need you to join me. There’s another bottle for you, just in case. The second drawer down, just for you. There’s a note underneath, if you ever bother to stop fucking Dani and find me. We can go together, you can curl up next to my shell and we’ll meet here in limbo, travel the next step together. You can see the darkness narrowing in like I am. You can see the Universe creeping in on the edges of your vision like I do now. 

But now I’m asking you to stay

For a little while inside my arms

And as you close your eyes tonight

I pray that you will see the light

That’s shining from the stars above

But you won’t. You lay beside her, panting and smiling as though I’m not slipping away into oblivion across the hall. 

When she opens his arms

And holds you close tonight

It’s not right. I loved you most. I loved you so much I killed myself for you. 

It just won’t feel right

Cause I can’t love you more than this

Cause I can’t love you more than this

Your eyes are slipping closed, you’re falling asleep, and so am I. The difference is, Liam Payne, that you will wake up. I won’t.

When she lays you down, I’m might just die inside

It just don’t feel right

Cause I can’t love you more than this.


by fanfictionandotherstories