Monday, April 2, 2012

Never Regret (what once made you happy)

Title: Never Regret (what once made you happy)

Summary: Sometimes, it’s really weird who you fall in love with. And sometimes, it’s not so weird at all.

Niall wasn’t always the type to fall in love.

Well, that wasn’t quite true. He fell in love all the time—his problem was staying in love. He’d be entirely infatuated by something for a few days and then magically, the love would be gone, replaced by a strong affection. It happened with just about everything he ever did or anyone he ever loved, save music.

So when his crush on Liam first developed, he patiently waited for it to go away. And when it didn’t, he started to panic. He couldn’t handle working day in and day out with someone he was in love with.

It was just a crush. Really. It was.

But this crush on Liam was getting rather pathetic, Niall realized once afternoon after a long day of interviews. There wasn’t even really any chance that Liam would ever like him back—Danielle was too important to Liam.

But Liam was all he could think about sometimes, memories and laughter and that distinctive smell that was just pure Liam. He wasn’t sure why he ever really denied it, but that was what it was, and it happened.

Sometimes he wondered how Liam never cottoned on that Niall had a major crush on him. But that was Liam—he only saw what he wanted and needed to see. This wasn’t exactly that type of thing.

He sighed and put his head down on the kitchen counter. If they could get over this just friends thing, they could really be something special, he knew it, he really did. But it was a crush, where his breath caught when he saw Liam wearing something particularly tight or flattering, where he started questioning his sexuality.

And the fact that this stupid crush had lasted so long caused him to wonder if it was just a crush, or if he was in love with the elder boy. He waved the thought away. That was ridiculous. He couldn’t be in love with Liam…could he?

At that moment, Liam walked in the door, cheerfully yelling “Hello!” at the top of his lungs. Niall shook the thoughts of crushes and love away and focused on eating his breakfast cereal.


Spending several weeks on a cramped tour bus was not helping Niall’s stupid crush at all. Not to mention that both Harry and Louis were going stir crazy with the sheer amount of time they spent in a very small space.

So when Logan invited him to hang out on the Big Time Rush bus, he jumped at the chance to get anywhere away from the chaos on the One Direction bus.

Logan turned out to be kind and funny, pretty laidback and just as intelligent as Liam.

Niall had known for years that he found intelligence sexy, but it was almost jarring to see it applied to someone other than a girl or Liam. Logan proved that it was an overreaching concept for Niall, carelessly tossing off quiet remarks that made Niall want to learn.

And he hadn’t wanted to actually learn anything since graduating school two years ago.

He spent the day sprawled out on the couch in the BTR tour bus, watching movies and laughing as Carlos and James goofed off, just as silly as Louis and Harry back on his own bus.

But these boys were a bit more mature, a bit more used to life on the road. Niall catches Logan watching Kendall several times, but each time, Logan simply blushes and looks away.

Carlos seemed to have taken a shine to Niall and spent the day dragging Niall away from Logan and giving him pointers about handling crowds and homesickness and flirting with fangirls without really promising anything.

It’s helpful stuff, really, and Niall found himself relaxing more than he has in awhile. It’s not that he doesn’t love the 1D boys because honestly, he really does, but it was refreshing to spend some time with people who he hasn’t spent the past two years seeing every single day.

Logan rescued him an hour later, and they settle down to play a game of Monopoly that Niall wins easily, despite never having played before.

When they pulled up at the venue, there was still three hours left before soundcheck and thankfully no paps anywhere to be seen, so Logan walked Niall back to the 1D bus. They chat politely, but stop just outside the door to Niall’s bus.

Logan shuffled his feet awkwardly. “So I kind of like you.”

“And?” Niall can’t help but be a little amused at this; Logan is a full four years older and yet he’s the one acting like the immature teenager. “I like you too.”

“No, I mean like like like you.” Niall took a second to puzzle that out before grinning up at Logan hopefully. “Oh, fuck it,” Logan cursed and curled his fingers into Niall’s hair, dragging him in for a rough kiss.

When Niall returned to the One Direction bus, his lips are kiss-reddened and he’s grinning goofily because, damn, Logan is a good kisser. His stomach was doing butterfly flips and he felt like falling and flying all at once, but that feeling dropped right out the bottom of his stomach when he realized exactly what happened.

That’s how Liam found him, head on the table, muttering to himself.

“So what happened with Henderson?” Liam asked cautiously, sliding into the bench seat beside Niall.

“I kissed him,” Niall mumbled, face flushing.

Liam laughed. “So you kissed him. Just don’t let the press find out, okay?” Niall just groaned and turned his head away. “Hey, did it make you happy?”

Niall closed his eyes and remembered how it felt, warm and toe tingling and amazing, and nodded. “Yeah.”

“So don’t regret it. Never regret what once made you happy.”

Niall spent the next hour considering the irony of being told to be happy with someone else by the object of his affections.

The next three tour dates are followed by long stolen kisses, but all too soon, the tour is over and Niall doesn’t see Logan for nearly a month.

The Big Time Rush boys have traded slots with One Direction, opening for them on their summer tour of the UK.

On one of their prized days off, Niall invited Logan to come spend time at his flat, maybe tour around London a bit, as a thank you for providing him a momentary escape from the chaos on the spring tour.

Logan takes him up on it, citing a need to get away from Carlos and Kendall. Apparently James has chosen to spend the day sleeping.

Niall hadn’t expected Logan to accept and so spent the morning frantically tidying up—not so much that his flat needed it but he wasn’t going to look like a slob if he could help it. Logan knocked precisely at ten-fifteen, their arranged meeting time, and when Niall opened the door, he’s met by a wide smile and warm brown eyes.

“Hey, Ni!” Logan said, freakishly chipper for this time of the morning, especially considering the timezone difference. Niall realized with a jolt that Logan was the only one to call him Ni, and that he actually liked it.

“Hi! Come on in.”

They spend ten minutes figuring out what they’re going to do and then they’re off, exploring the touristy side of London. The sad thing is that Niall is as much a stranger to London as Logan is, so they get hopelessly lost twice and sort-of lost three times.

It rains and they get soaked but it was easily one of the best days Niall’s spent off, and it only got better when Logan agreed to dinner. They eat takeout in front of the TV, some movie playing across the screen. It’s easy, relaxing with Logan like this, and before Niall really processed what he was doing, he reaches over and kissed Logan again.

The older pushes him back so Logan was lying on top of Niall, their bodies pressed together. Niall gave out a little moan and bucked his hips up, his fingers sliding along the waistband of Logan’s jeans.

Logan looked down at Niall lying beneath him, flushed and pupils wide. “You sure, Ni?”

“Sure as I’ll ever be,” Niall breathed, pulling Logan down for another searing kiss.

Logan pulled back just a little bit. “Alright. But we should talk after.”

It was so easy for Niall to lose himself in someone who was so similar to Liam but so incredibly not.

Logan was taller, wirier than Liam. He was more angular, somehow, but softer. Kinder, in a different way than Liam.

But soon enough, Niall forgot to think and just feels.

When they’re done, Logan kissed him sweetly and murmured apologies. Niall shrugged and let it slide off his shoulders. He’s done worse, and honestly, there are worse fucks out there than Logan Henderson. And it had made him feel good for awhile, like he was slowly burning from the inside out, in the kind of way that made his toes curl and fireworks explode behind his eyes.

Which, to be honest, isn’t bad at all.

Besides, Liam’s words are echoing through his head—never regret what once made you happy.

And Logan definitely managed to make Niall happy.

He sat up, smiled at Logan and made him a cup of coffee, made his own mug of tea. Their mugs were mismatched—Logan used the blue Doctor Who mug that Niall had stolen from Zayn a month or two ago while Niall used the World’s Best Brother mug that Louis never took off the bus once they finished their US tour.

Logan’s not wearing a shirt and the light reflects weirdly across the planes of his shoulders, highlighting lovebites in an incredibly distracting manner, and Niall’s probably not much better but at least he’s tugged on a shirt, worn white cotton.

And they talk.

Logan listened calmly as Niall explains that he’s got a crush on (in love with) Liam, then laughed.

It turned out Logan’s been in love with Kendall all this time (not that Niall didn’t already know that) and they were both just reaching for the next best thing.

And in a way, they’re even better for each other than Liam or Kendall ever would be. Logan isn’t in love with a girl, isn’t dating a girl, has no qualms about being a little (or a lot) less than straight. Niall is lighter than Kendall, quirky just the same but so so different.

Logan is like Liam in that they’re both protective and more intelligent than they appear, the quieter and more reserved of the group. Niall is like Kendall in that he’s excitable and quirky, loves to play guitar and has cheesy taste in music. But they’re also uniquely themselves, with a different dynamic.

So they agreed to give it a try, just Logan and Niall, without Liam or Kendall in the way, and for once, it actually felt like it just might work out.

It’s probably about when Logan offered to make eggs and toast with a charming smile that Niall realized he’d fallen in love again. But not all at once, not like with Liam or with any of his exes or anything else—it had been a slow and steady fall, and that scared him.

Except Logan gets it, Logan understands, and there’s so much less chance of heartbreak this way, loving someone who isn’t part of the band.

So Niall opened the fridge, passed Logan the carton of eggs and dug in the pantry for pancake ingredients.

If he’s going to have someone fall in love with him, he’s going to do it properly.

By lovelylida